Perry.
I do not even know where to begin.
I have spent my entire life living in the past. And not just childhood, but any given time in the past. I could easily be nostalgic for something that possibly happened six months previous. The constant stream of change in my life would contribute to this, almost entirely. I have never lived in the same house for over a year. Since high school, I haven't lived in the same STATE for more than 2 years. I went to 4 high schools, and lived in 3 states during what's suppose to be the "greatest time in your life".
I cannot meet new people. It's extremely hard for me, because ever since I could remember - I've been extremely guarded. I'll meet new people for a little while, then I like to disappear. I solely judge people based on what they listen to. That is probably the biggest issue I have. Music can almost completely sum up a person - and if it's mediocore, or horrible taste normally I won't have respect for that person, and will not attempt at ALL to be on a friendly level with them.
Which is probably why I have a hard time meeting girls. Everyone who is close to me knows my standards are impossibly high. I just figure 99% of girls are a dime a dozen, and when / if I meet the 1% that is amazing, heartbreak is almost inevitable. I have really only met two girls that I truly felt were the 1% of girls that I'd give anything for their company, and both times I immediately knew it was going to end in heartbreak. And surely enough, they did. The saddest part about it is, they do not even know the half of what I felt because I cannot express myself normally no matter how hard I try. And the strangest part of it all, is actually missing the heartbreak. It consumes you completely - and when it's gone, you don't know what to think / dream about.
I'm shallow. I'm narcissistic. I'm afraid.
I completely close myself off to new things - while inside I am dying for love, and change.
I want someone to create wonderful new memories for me - putting the old ones to rest.
I have a horrible tendency of disappearing. Throughout the years - I've disappeared almost dozens of times, and everyone I know can confirm this. From vanishing in the most simplist form of leaving a party without saying goodbyes, to leaving state and not returning without any sign of warning. I hate goodbyes, and hate closure. When I feel it's time to leave I do, and everything turns into a memory from that point on. The sad thing is, the people I want most close to me - I end up erasing from my life.
Everyone that I am friends with now I will know forever. I try to only surround myself with the best of company, and will not leave them behind. They know exactly who I am. I'm extremely sarcastic, outspoken, and myself when I'm with them. When I'm outside of my comfort zone, which is almost always without certain people, I'm apathetic, shy, SOCIALLY AWKWARD, and almost a complete bore.
I miss things that never existed. I am nostalgic for times I've never had.
I just hope the right people read this, and understand. I'm making an attempt to fix, and change things that have been the same for too many years. I feel the need to fully explain myself, and publically apologize to people I've tried to permanently forget, without legit reason.
For the first time, probably ever - I feel like this barrier needs to be dropped, and I need to let the world in - no matter how cruel, and ugly it may appear. I need to forget the possibility of heartbreak and disaster, and truly go for what I want in life. I'm not saying I'm going to be COMPLETELY open, but when someone asks me a personal question, I'm going to answer rather than ignore it entirely.
And the next time a girl in the 1% percentile comes around - I will embrace it, rather than pretend like she never existed.
5 comments:
Alright, I would like to reply and give you my input and HOPE you take into consideration why i say. I know im not the brightest guy when it comes to politics and pretty much anything that has to do with school right now, BUT one thing im confident in myself is helping people or at least be a friend. People call me everyday and i listen and i help and well especially when it comes to my closest friends i want to help, So im going to give you my input and hope you read and understand it.
First, A lot of things you mentioned is stuff i already know. When people ask me why you did this or why your like this, i' always first to defend you, because people don't know you as well as i do.
Moving half your life definitely is something that is tough to deal with, because i'm the total opposite. I've only lived in Buffalo my whole life and i could NOT imagine, what would happened if i spent half my school life in 4 different schools. I remember when i went from school 81 (6th to 7th) to school 66(North Park). I was terrified and i wasn't sure how to deal with it. I grew up going to the same school from pre school to 6th grade. The only thing that really helped me get by was in School 81, i wasn't the most popular guy and i didn't hang out with the popular crowd, But when i went to North Park, i was easily the center of attention and people loved me there. ANYWAYS, In regards to wanting to fix that part of your life is figuring out where you want to live. Now you got school in Pittsburgh, So obviously once your done with that is when you'll have a big decision to make. You can always travel when your sick of where you live, that's why traveling is something EVERYONE wants to do. In the end though, you want home to feel like home and i don't think you've felt that feeling in a long LONG time.
I use to judge people from what they wear to what they listen to as well. TRUST ME, but as you meet new people from jobs to through others friends you realize, there are good people out there even though they may have musical differences. Not every person that listen to rap is a typical thug, Not every person who dresses jockey is a stuck up jerk. Look at joe (my roommate) for example.. When i first saw him, i always make first impressions and it wasn't bad, but it was yay another typical army guy. Well the first time we talked, he happened to be playing Age Of Conan and that at first shocked me, So then i started asking more questions and after talking to him for a few days he turns out hes a bigger nerd than you and TRUST ME that's a steep accomplishment. Even Marissa said when she first saw him her impressions were wrong when she started talking to him and getting to know him. THESE are the lessons you learn in life when you meet new people. This is why you can't stop judging people on music and what not, because you haven't met enough new people that prove that sometimes people aren't defined by their music tastes or dress code. The fact of the matter is, were getting the age where people are growing up and things that defined them now are hobbies. I believe you met Jared once from my work, the big black guy with dreads that knows everyone... Before him, i wasn't racist, but i held my self off from getting to know "certain people". Well he's pretty much the most awesomest guy you'll meet. It's to bad more black people aren't like him, because the wrong ones ruin guys like jared.
Do you see what my point is here.. It's what you learn when you meet people, Meeting people, becoming friends with people define a lot about you and define your judgment. One thing i pride myself in is the balance i have as a person. Look at the stuff i like for example... I listen to a lot of the music you like, but i also listen to a lot of other music as well that I've researched on my own. Every friend i have, i have common musical interests. Then you got hockey, im obsessed with hockey and all i do is watch hockey and it pretty much becomes my summer. Then you got my nerd side, i play tons of games, video games, card games like magic and im starting to read more comics thanks to your nerdy ass.
Now, If you were to meet my for the first time, your judgment would go crazy, because there's so many different things i like and that's who i am. I try not to be simple minded and i try to like a lot of things so when i meet people, i have things in common with them. This is apart of growing up, you stop all the little judgments of people based on music or dress code, because at this age its not like it was in H.S. Were going to be 24 and were becoming TRUE adults and its the age where people just drop all those petty things.
As far as girls go, Dude you've seen the heartbreak i have dealt with in my past. From Nikki on vorhees, to heather and Brittany. They all range in diffent types of heartbreaks. Heather being the worse, but this is where it is crucial that you try to understand what im about to say and TRY to be open here. It is apart of life to deal with these emotions, it makes who you are and defines you. Most people don't find their 1st love right away and instead break hearts and get their heart broken. Getting your heart broken down right sucks, it hurts and it tears you apart, BUT in the end it makes you a stronger, wiser, better person. It also helps you understand your type of love and what you truly want in a girl. YOU CANNOT be afraid to be with a girl, because of of what COULD happen. You can't see into the future, you don't know what could of been until you take that chance. Something i wrote along time ago in my journal, it's a quote i came up with myself and it's something i try to live by.
"If You Don't Take A Chance On Love, Love Won't Take A Chance On You"
You have to take that risk, you have to put your heart on the line and you can't assume it will end wrong or be afraid that you will get hurt. For all you know, the girl you thought would hurt you or never work out coulda been the girl of your future or the girl of your dreams, But you'll never know unless you give yourself a chance to see what could or could have been. Being in love is a tremendous thing and it's probably one of the best feelings you'll ever feel, but when you lose that love it's feel like someone took a ninja sword and carved out SUCKER in your heart, then ripped it out and stomped on it. Ive felt that before, but I'm happy now aren't i? I'm living a good life and I'm meet girls here and there and I'm looking for that love. Still in the back of my mind i know, that i may get my heart broken once again, but it's nothing i haven't felt before and now i'm stronger and ready in case it does happen.
Lastly, keep this in mind. The one thing you can ALWAYS count on is your friends to be there. Your true friends, You know that NO MATTER WHAT happens in life, i am your best friend and i would do anything as your friend to make sure your life is decent. That's what being friends do after being friends for what.... 14 yrs.
I'm going to quote of the the greatest tv shows of all time lol
When i was a child, I spoke as a child, I Understood as a child, I Thought as a child, But when i became a man, I put away childish things."
Wilson (Home Improvement)
Remember that episode, where his friend Stu from college comes to visit him and all they do is talk about memories and Stu wants to do the things they did back in college, but Tim has a wife and family and he's not the same guy. NOW we are still in college, so this doesnt really apply, but the point is something memories are just memories and their great to remince about, but in the end they are just memories and things won't be like they use too.
HOPE THIS HELPS BUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDY!
Wow, that's really long. That's like a book LOL
I think the music judging part is primarily geared towards girls, honestly. I do not know why, but like I said - my standards are so far up in the clouds, and I've met SO many girls that were SO generic.
I'm not down about this - I just think I had to get it out. I've always been extremely private / to myself person, so here it is.
But yes, you already knew all of this - and few others probably will as well.
Thanks for the input. The length of the response alone shows you're a true friend - lol.
I'll see you Fridayyyyyy.
Jepps, you don't have to write me anything.
Just slap me in the face next time you see me.
<3
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